Perch "The Thoughtful Pause Podcast"
The concept of Perch is simple yet profound. It represents more than just a moment of stillness; it embodies a philosophy of life. Perch stands for Pause, Evaluate, Responses to Circumvent, Harm. It’s a call to rise above the noise and seek higher ground to gain a clearer view of the world around us. When we Perch, we create space to see the bigger picture, understand different perspectives, and make decisions that reflect our highest values.
Navigating complexities with empathy is one of the most significant challenges we face today, and it is the ability to understand and empathize with those who hold different views. Our experiences and backgrounds deeply influence our beliefs and the environments we are exposed to. Where you sit determines what you see, and what you see determines what you do. When we Perch, we acknowledge this truth and strive to see the world through the lens of others.
Perch "The Thoughtful Pause Podcast"
Priceless Peace: What's Your Peace Worth?
Have you ever questioned what peace truly means to you or considered the sacrifices you're willing to make for it? In our latest episode, we embark on a profound journey to understand the elusive nature of tranquility and its intimate connection with happiness. Our spirited discussion peels back the layers of personal growth, self-awareness, and emotional load sharing.
Let's all keep searching to expand our view!
Good day, perch people. We're back. I feel like it's been forever Forever, toby. What was that? I am telling you. I miss you guys so much. First, I want to apologize, um, life has been lifing and if you want to know what that means, sorry, did you just? No, I didn't. What was that? I think anywho, um, it's just been.
Speaker 1:You know a lot, but we're here, we're back, um and better than ever, and soon we'll be leaving again and heading north. So don't think we're getting rid of our studio, or Phil. We just, you know, fly north for the summer. So thank you, and thank you for joining us. This topic today may take a minute to digest. I gave it to Toby and he was like I'm going to need some context with that.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to get all the levity out because it's a pretty heavy topic.
Speaker 1:But I gave it to my youngest child and she got it right away and she didn't need context. But when I gave it to you, you need context.
Speaker 2:I am O-L-D-E and I'm old.
Speaker 1:Okay, so today's topic is how much is your peace worth? And I pushed this around and let me give credit to Toby. Toby is a true ride or die, because I change topics like three times. Don't ever do it, thank God. Most people probably listen to the audio and now watch the video of this. I didn't punch that, don't I? They don't have to see your shenanigans.
Speaker 2:That's true, my tomfoolery.
Speaker 1:Just glad you didn't say coonery, because then that would be.
Speaker 2:Couldn't do that. I know that's a separate episode, a problem, that's true.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. But back to your piece. So how much is your piece worth? I the reason why I struggle with this and I kept pushing it off and pushing off. I've been very intentional with PERCH, because PERCH is, for those of you who are tuning in for the first time, it's an acronym, it's PAUSE, evaluate Responses to pause, evaluate responses to circumvent harm. And so I really don't like to deal with topics. Why I'm in the thick of it? Because it's hard to be unbiased. So, and I've been seeing a lot of protecting your peace, protecting your environment, and what does this mean? And so the reason I chose to call to label this one how much is your peace worth? Because I do believe you know, when we put things in context and put things in value, you kind of see it from a different perspective. So, toby, before I kick off to you, I just want to read this up, because it's been a while since we listened to Mr Merriam. Now we know that Merriam is a man.
Speaker 2:He is a dude.
Speaker 1:The definition of peace is a state of tranquility or quiet, freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. That's the noun. Peace as a verb is in a state of concord or tranquility, or to be, become or keep silent or quiet. I read this and this is something I bought into the forefront for me. It says when you're traumatized someone, when you traumatize someone, it usually takes two years of consistent behavior to get them to trust that they're safe with you. Again, it's called emotional wounds and all emotions are now. And I had to sit with that. And when he said all emotions are now, that really resonated because it's fact, it's true when you're dealing with things. So, before I go into where I was going with this, did you want to chime in? I have no idea where you're going.
Speaker 2:I know you don't know where I'm going. It Did you want to chime in. I have no idea where you're going.
Speaker 2:I know you don't know where I'm going. It's going to be an adventure, I mean. The only thing that I could take away from that piece is that, just simply, this is an unusual time where we're really being kind of buffeted by all of these different emotions that are being brought on. Some of them are being brought on very purposefully and that's kind of what I'll talk about when I get a chance and a lot of our well-being is being disrupted by purposeful activities that are going on, and so people are actually trying to elicit a certain sense of unease about people and and the the direct byproduct of so many things that have happened over the last couple of years and we'll talk about some of them are this you know this, this, this fact that I think you're going to get into. So, um, let's go let's do it.
Speaker 1:Let's do it.
Speaker 1:I thought we were doing it, we are okay so keep the piece a couple things that I to address and I really want to ask everyone and we'll try to pack a lot in and keep it as short as possible to stay tuned to the end, because I do have some points. Because the assumption is everyone assumes they know what peace is for them, and that's the assumption. Because it seems very simplistic. But when I read this too, it says your peace is your natural right, it is inherently yours. We are at peace when you are. You're at peace when you're a baby. Anything that can make you feel like you have lost your peace comes at a price. The price is your peace, which is priceless. Men spend millions of dollars trying to find peace every year, but unfortunately peace cannot be bought. So if millions of dollars cannot buy peace, it must be the most valuable thing in the universe.
Speaker 2:Hey, can I ask a question? What's the difference between peace and happiness?
Speaker 1:Right, Okay, so let me just finish this.
Speaker 2:And then I hear you You're reading that and I felt like I could have replaced peace with happiness, in like every one of those sentences.
Speaker 1:And I understand that.
Speaker 2:I'm just trying to understand what the difference is.
Speaker 1:Can I be happy?
Speaker 2:and not be at peace.
Speaker 1:Can I finish this and? And we could talk about the difference between well, okay, since you asked so nicely now see, then you messed them up because I was in the middle of what I was saying it, so I'm just gonna pick my room for this part.
Speaker 1:So millions of dollars cannot buy you peace. It must be the most valuable thing in the universe. Then if anything causes you to lose your peace, then your value then, and this then and this is my definition not there, so this is where I quote it Then that says that your value is external. You value the external over the internal, because in order for something or someone to value that's outside of yourself to disturb your peace. So it goes back to that. We talked about this in a podcast before I remember the topic. The African proverb if the enemy, if there's no enemy inside of us, then the enemy outside can do us no harm. So to me I apply that that same principle.
Speaker 1:So we, for those of you watching, don't know when this will air, but we know recently too, in the news that Miss Teen, usa resigned two days after Miss USA resigned, and they both have NDAs, so it's a lot of speculation. But one Miss USA did state that you know it was her, you know putting her mental well-being and physical well-being, you know overall. And she was like if you don't have that yes, that was Toby phone going off If you don't have that, you don't have anything. So there comes this point and I know you and I have talked about it a lot. You see it, simone Biles did it, and I remember I talked about this on an earlier podcast. When Simone Biles did it, I was traveling for business, went out to dinner with some people who were furious that she wasn't representing the USA and I thought what balls.
Speaker 1:First of all, this is something that someone just from the outside, we don't have to know her story, we don't have to know her journey. One thing we know is we should all be able to agree on it takes a lot of training and a lot of dedication to get to Olympic status. We just know that we don't have to be in there and to get that's a lot of sacrifice. It's a lot of, you know, denying yourself. It's a lot.
Speaker 1:So for her to do that, it must have been really serious. So how dare you, you know, judge anyone for making a personal decision on putting you know their self first? And so my other question is and then I'll leave this for Toby, I think, because it's so trendy now to say it I get concerned that we haven't put context on what that means, because in order for you to protect, something means first of all, you have to have it. You can't protect what you don't have. So if you're protecting your peace, you must be at peace to protect it. And my daughter says some powerful I'll tell you about that later, towards the end, when I bought this up, but that's why I'm on it.
Speaker 2:I don't want to Well, excuse me. I mean, I guess there's a lot of pieces at work there, but the reality is that when it comes to certain things, it's hard to necessarily know intention, right, I mean? And everybody comes at their own. And that's why I asked you the honest question what is the difference between happiness and peace? And can you have peace without happiness? And can you have happiness without peace? Because I think a lot of people go through life thinking they're happy and, as you said, what makes them happy? They have a beautiful house, they're married, they have kids. They have a beautiful house, they're married, they have kids, they have a great job, they make a lot of money, and maybe that drives happiness, but at the end of the day, are they really at peace?
Speaker 1:But I think so I'm glad you brought that up and I just want to add this to everything you name was external.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And peace is internal.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But that's the point.
Speaker 2:And you hear these stories about people and they commit suicide or do terrible things to themselves and the first thought is, well, they seem so happy, everybody says that they seem so happy, and even couples that get divorced they seem so happy, and the reality is sometimes I wasn't at peace, so I would contend that peace and happiness are not the same thing. It's funny when you mentioned the other day that you were going to open by talking about these two young ladies that felt so much pressure to themselves that they stepped down. I don't know if you know this, but about three years ago a Miss America killed herself.
Speaker 1:I know, that's why I'm here. Do you have that story?
Speaker 2:Yes, so amazing story. Talk about an overachiever. This young lady literally had her MBA. She graduated from college early. She won Miss I want to say I forget which state it was and then she won Miss America, miss USA, miss USA, thank you, and her mother.
Speaker 1:Chelsea.
Speaker 2:Crystal, thank you. And her mother knew there was something going on, because her mother would say, slow down, slow down. Chelsea called one day and said, mom, I just tried to commit suicide. And her mother was like but you have everything, how could you? You know, look at all the things you've done to your point, all of these external things, all these. And she said it's not enough. I don't feel like I'm worthy, I don't feel I can catch up, I don't feel I can catch my breath, and these were things that her parents were pushing on her. And then we can talk about the pressure we put on our kids to be successful. But these were internal motivations and eventually she finished up killing herself. And, as kind of a swan song, her mother published a book that she had been writing that speaks to how to try to find that inner peace. But it was a horrible story. I read it the other day.
Speaker 1:And let me just put a little more context to that too.
Speaker 1:So again, I would never try to, you know, figure out why people do the way they do.
Speaker 1:We all have pressure bus pipes and we know that, and everyone has their boiling point. But at the same time I remember that specifically because she not only did she make Miss USA, it was it they kept calling it the trifecta that that year there was three black pageant winners in different categories. So they, they were literally kind of and I don't want to belittle it at all, but parading them around as if, wow, so it's, it's, it's pressure on top of pressure on top of pressure. Because it's like you make a history, you're doing things that you know. So only God knows you know the story. So I'm not going to try to get there and try to surmise, but it's so many levels to pressure and it's so easy to go back.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to even bring Colin Kaepernick in here because I remember when Colin Kaepernick was going through what he was going through. I remember when Colin Kaepernick was going through what he was going through, there's somebody I personally know that met his parents in a stadium like literally sat next to his parents in a game and had an opinion about how he had no right to do what he was doing because his parents were good parents. I say, first of all, he's a grown man. You don't know his story. This is not about his parents and you literally had what they say hi and you may have said exchange two words and you know his journey. And the reason I bring Colin Kaepernick in is because, again, people picked parts of his story that was applicable to them or to state their case, when Colin Kaepernick was getting it from black people, he was getting it from sports people, he was getting it from all sides.
Speaker 1:Some people like Stan sit go all of that pressure and for him to continue to do that says a lot about his character to say I'm going through all of this adversity, I'm going through all of these things and I still and I think that people don't understand the pressure that taking a stand, even for yourself, gives. So Colin Kaepernick is on a large scale. We majority of us won't have to take stances in such a public eye. But that goes back to our personal stance when and I read this and I and I and I tie this to them and I was like wow, it said, outgrowing people with the same bloodline as you is the worst pain to go through and it's one of those things that that's another level of things we go through with family, because it's like you can't walk away from.
Speaker 1:You know it's bad Look if your children bring you pain and you stop. Well, you know. Or it's a bad look if your parents give you, you know, all this trauma and this pain but you're supposed to tell yourself well, they're mom or dad, so I got to engage, or siblings or aunts, uncles, all of it.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I want to go to the Colin Kaepernick situation for a second, because you could argue that that showed courage. Or you could argue that that brought him peace by making a stand that he felt he had to make, and that's fine. I believe in individual responsibility. And if you felt he had to make and that's fine, I believe in individual responsibility and if he felt individually responsible to do that, that's great. And I think that people have to appreciate that other people have also individual responsibility and they can take the position that they don't favor that and I'm all for that.
Speaker 2:I think that people should be allowed to self-express in a manner that it doesn't impact other people's ability to self-express. So, you know, if he chose in his manner to reflect his thoughts in one manner, other people can disagree with that and they could disagree with it in their own manner. But I think that if what you're saying is that allowed him to achieve inner peace and he said you know, I feel better about myself because I stopped doing something that I didn't believe in, that's cool, as long as he respects the fact that other people might be pissed off at him doing that no.
Speaker 1:So I, I really, really want us to look at this deeper. And I chose two extremes for a reason because I can't speak for colin kaepernick. I never met the man. I don't know why he chose. If it was for peace, I I don't know why he chose to do that. What I'm saying is about a paying a cost. You know, when you have disruption and when you have things that that's internally, that you know, I just can't take this anymore. I just have to take a stand. His stand was taken a knee, and so what I'm saying is when we take steps because to protect your peace, that comes at, I'm saying, comes at a cost and when you take a step, a lot of times what, what we, we don't want to pay that cost Meaning. I know there are toxic people in my life. I know my job is toxic. I know my marriage is toxic. I know my children, whatever that toxicity is, the cost of letting it go a lot of people don't want to deal with. So they sit there in a pain.
Speaker 1:But you know, and it's hard, so I'm saying he paid a premium cost, and was it worth it or whatever the case may be, only he knows. Right. But what I'm saying is there is a cost and and sometimes I think that, and not that it's ever as high as it is, but I think it's worth the evaluation, because to have peace means that sometimes it's letting people go, it's shaking some things off, you know, because you have to let go.
Speaker 2:I just want to make sure, when we're protecting something, make sure we're protecting peace the other thing, too, is there's a certain degree of self-awareness that has to take place to know what actually is disturbing your inner peace, if you will, because our lives are very complicated whether it's job, work, family, friends and sometimes we just feel generally dissatisfied, right, we just don't feel like our life is going the way we wanted it to go, or things aren't really working the way we expected them to, and sometimes it's hard to kind of do that dissemination and say, you know, no, my personal life is good, I don't see an issue there, but I see my unhappiness being my relationship with my kids, and that really, you know, when I think about that, that's really where I get a lot of agita, and you know this occurs and it's really hard to then, once you've actually identified it, to actually go do something about it, because sometimes you have to take a giant step backward before you can ever take a step forward, right, I mean, divorce is a perfect example.
Speaker 2:We've both been through this. You know it's easy to stay in the status quo and say you know, as I say to you all the time, hope is not a strategy. I hope it gets better, I hope we can get through this, I hope this will work out okay. And the reality is you've got to look at the pattern and say you know, I'm not happy now. What makes me believe a year from now I'm going to be any happier? So sometimes you've got to do some really difficult things, you know. Your Kaepernick analogy, you know, is a one where I know it's not going to be popular, I'm going to upset the status quo, but hopefully, coming out of the other end, you do achieve what you're looking for.
Speaker 1:I think that's part of the journey, and so I do have some steps for us to think about, but I think we don't have to be on this planet too long. Even children You've heard and most all of us have noticed you have some kids. When you go over to an in-law house, they're like I don't like going to my uncle's house. I don't like going to my auntie's house and we dismiss that because your kids say shut up and get in the car.
Speaker 1:But that's where it starts and we're laughing, but it's serious because something intuitively is telling them that something is a disconnect.
Speaker 2:Kids are wonderfully honest. It's great.
Speaker 1:But this is make me comfortable, I don't want to do it. Then with age and progression, it's so much easier. But we're taught to regress, to push it down, let it go, you'll be fine. And I had to tell Toby I have to be honest myself. I'm old school, you know, and I and I didn't even realize how deeply embedded suck it up buttercup was in my DNA. You know you don't have to like. Nobody promised you a rose garden.
Speaker 1:We had all of these songs coming up. You know, keep your chin up, you know, and just take it. You know, power through, and. And so we do that. And then I remember being in management at a young age and I saw these people, when I got older, start coming in and they wanted their job to give them fulfillment and joy and happiness. And I'm not going to lie. I was like but your job is not supposed to, your job is supposed to sustain you, to make sure you could pay your bills and live, and it was being around young people and and having young children and. And they're pushing back at me saying well, why, why can't the goal be to have vote?
Speaker 2:why shouldn't I be working for something that I love to do but it fulfills me because if I I said, that's fair yeah, and I mean I hear you and I think you've swung the pendulum a little further than I've gotten yet, and I understand that we want everything to be sunshine, roses and cupcakes, and there are things in life that aren't necessarily things that fulfill us.
Speaker 1:Why do you say it like that, though?
Speaker 2:Because not everything in life is going to fulfill us. There are things that we have to do that are unpleasant in life, whether we like it or not. We don't go to funerals for fun, right, we do them because they are a thing that's important for us to memorialize a person who we loved or cared for. It's not like we go off to the funeral, I mean. So there are things in life that are not pleasant, and that's the nature of it. So I think we need to be careful when we get too carried away that says all we want to do is fun stuff and it's interesting.
Speaker 2:I mean, I'll give you. I know you're giving me that look, but it's like when I used to tutor with fifth and sixth grade classes and I would say to kids and I've done it over the course of a decade when 10 years ago I did it, I'd say to kids what do you want to be when you grow up? And it was, she was fireman, doctor, police officer, all those kind of things. No, strippers, no, no. Nobody ever said no, none of them were named bambi. So, but over the last couple of years they've all now said oh, I want to be a social media influencer or I want to be a video game player and it's like what happened to like and I'm going to get myself in trouble. Real jobs, you know, where you actually did something and added value to the world, instead of things like this. I mean, it's so, first of all, hold on, you don't?
Speaker 1:do that anymore. No, that's Atari. You do this right or you do this First of all. What's this real jobs?
Speaker 2:Real jobs, jobs that actually generate value to the world we live in. Like a plumber creates value for the world we live in, a police officer generates value. A social media influencer generates. First of all.
Speaker 1:Zero.
Speaker 2:Zero point zero.
Speaker 1:That's so hypocritical, toby, because, first of all, it's very.
Speaker 2:How dare you call me a hippo?
Speaker 1:You know I'm going to choke you Right now.
Speaker 2:First of all, it's very few jobs of that caliber Exactly, but every kid at school wants to do it. It's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:You don't even know. Now I realize You're saying exactly, and you don't even know what point I'm making. I do no, you don't.
Speaker 2:I'm psycho. I know exactly what you're saying.
Speaker 1:You are psycho. But my point was the opposite of yours. What I'm saying is very few jobs that like save the world, like firemen and policemen and things like that. What I'm saying is the majority of the jobs is done around the world, is at one screw and turn. Watch these potato chips come down this assembly line, pick up the box and put it from here to there. Pick up that box and put it from here to there. So in context, I think it's kind of demeaning what you're saying, as if all of these jobs, that's the majority of the jobs that we're doing.
Speaker 2:We're automating those kind of jobs, but what I'm saying is that somebody who actually contributes to the society, anyway, go ahead. Sorry, no, you're not sorry. Yes, I'm very sorry.
Speaker 1:But they are contributing to society. And it took me a while on my journey to get there too, because, just because we're not gamers, well, you do game. So I can't even say I'm not a gamer, but you do play the game. A lot of people get joy off these competitions, off getting to that level of this is what I aspire to. They study it. It. Just let me finish. Just like athletes, I want to get off track, because we're talking about what I know and we're going.
Speaker 2:All I'm getting at is that that inner peace is a balance. It's not an all, it's not a nothing. It's a balance, and so there are things in our life that generate happiness or peace for us but what I'm but?
Speaker 1:but I'm making a greater point, and my point being and I didn't want to belittle people for doing this I think that it's important because back in the day we did things because we didn't know any better, we did things based on the rules that was given us. They said go to school, get a job, take care of your bills. And if you go even further back a man, you're the provider, a woman, you take care of the house. It's called evolution. And so now, when we look up, especially in America, when we are in well, we were in an office we're working more in our jobs than we are in our home. It makes perfect sense to say since most of my time is to be applied to this area, then I will be intentional about where I work and where I give my time. That's all that they're saying.
Speaker 1:I think that Tasia said to me when I was talking to her about I'm trying to find it, ask her how much is your piece worth? And immediately went in and I said is that piece? Because she was talking about, because she and I asked her if I could quote her and bring this up, and she said that I could, so I wouldn't be bringing it up if I did, because she said that sometimes for me. She said right now I only have this much of me left, you know, and I want to protect that small. I would not allow you to take this from me, because this is all I have left.
Speaker 1:And I said to her, and I challenged her, I said but if that's peace, to me that sounds like you're just holding on to you know your sanity or whatever that is, and that's not true Peace. And at every sense of the word. And she said to me, like without hesitation, she goes you're, you're boiling someone's journey down to their destination, mom. And I think that that's what we do to kids or young people A lot of times. It's like we literally looking at the destination and saying you know, if you take these steps, that's not going to lead you, you know, to this place now, but this is their journey, you know, and you are defining them by an end, that they're nowhere, even close to so saying time is back to the theme of finding that peace. These are the steps that we have to take because, if we're honest with ourselves, everyone may not be clear how to contain their peace or add to their peace. But one thing I'll probably guarantee you that we all know is what disturbs our peace.
Speaker 2:Well, to a degree.
Speaker 1:To a degree.
Speaker 2:But there are. I guess what I'm trying to get at is there are natural elements within our world that will disturb your peace. You know, let's face it. You know social media disturbs your peace and then you cannot participate in social media. That's protecting your peace, you know, let's face it.
Speaker 1:You know social media disturbs your peace and then you cannot participate in social media.
Speaker 2:That's protecting your peace and, in fact a lot of the experts will tell you that a lot of the mental health issues have been brought on by social media. It's the number one. I was reading an article here that said social media has done more to upset people's mental health and their inner peace than any one single thing. And on the back end of COVID, where we were forced to self-isolate and people that were socially outgoing were suddenly forced into an environment of fear and terror, in many cases unknowing, living by themselves, and then coming out of that the political climate, the divisiveness what we're doing is we're creating an environment in our country and slash our world that is incredibly divisive and confrontational and for people who just want things to remain calm, it's very upsetting and they're constantly bombarded with it on network television, on YouTube, on TikTok, on any of these things. And, to make matters worse, all of these social media channels want clicks and likes and follows, so they present material to you that creates this adversarial relationship you have, because nice things don't get followed as much as confrontational things that upset people.
Speaker 2:And the number of people with mental health issues in this country is astronomical and we don't have a way to deal with it.
Speaker 2:So all of a sudden we see people lashing out because they've been, you know, just all of this stimulus has hit them and I don't like to use the word triggered, but it actually works here, in this particular case. People get to a boiling point where they just suddenly say you've upset me so much, I need to go do something. And often it's not well thought out, often criminal, and it leads to bigger issues. And we've gotten to this point because we allow certain things to occur in our world, to this point, because we allow certain things to occur in our world or we we don't have the self-control or the self-awareness to say I'm not going to follow that, I'm not going to get involved with that. I, I have enough comfort and confidence in myself that I don't need this external stimulation. In fact, I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be realize how destructive it is and push it away. And I still think that we have to, that we have to be self-aware.
Speaker 1:Being self-aware is important, but I think all of those things I'm making a point it's costing you something, all of that's costing you. But staying totally down in social media, it's costing you your peace, it's disrupting your peace, it's a cost and I think, um, and I think that up why it's important to evaluate and figure out your, your own structure and your sanity. I think, while we're evaluating, this is a question I have to ask and I think this is a very powerful, powerful question when it gets too much and it's overwhelming. Like I'm stressed, this is too much. I'm trying, I need to find some peace. You're talking about protecting my peace. I have to get to a place of peace to protect it, right? So the question is if I tap out, if I just tap out, meaning I just need a break, it's my life structure, where there's someone that I can trust to tap in.
Speaker 2:Is that mean? Is there somebody you can lean on? Is that what you're referring to?
Speaker 1:Just yeah. So and this is, I think I really don't want us to miss this. I want us to get this because it says a lot about who we surround ourselves with, because that has a lot to do with our peace too. And if we are surrounded by people and there's not one person that, when it gets too heavy, that you could tag in and say and it doesn't have to be a spouse, do you have a friend, do you have a sister, do you have a brother, do you have anybody you trust, to say you know what this is too stressful for me right now and say I got you, toby, you go. What you need, just make me a lift.
Speaker 2:But even before that, because we all know people that lean on somebody else too heavily and they need them all the time. We need to learn internal coping mechanisms, if you think about it. If somebody has a learning disability, they have coping mechanisms. If you have dyslexia, you learn coping mechanisms if you have any number of different things. And so I think that the first thing starts with a person, because if every time I have a problem, I come and lean on you, it reaches a certain point where you're carrying your own water and mine as well, and that's just not going to work. At some point you're going to resent me and you're going to create my situation even worse because you're going to say, toby, I can't carry you, I can't continue to do this.
Speaker 2:So the first step is I think we have to have, as I said before, some inner responsibility. We have to look and say I know these are things that happened to me. I know myself really well. So, for instance, I know that there are times when I get depressed and I don't always know why, and I need to develop a coping mechanism. Now I may go seek help to find what that coping mechanism is. I could read about coping mechanisms, but I have to find it myself first of all. Now, that may not work every time to your point, and there may be times in my life where I have to say you know what I can't carry this any longer.
Speaker 1:I need your help. But I think that's the and I'm saying this and I'm putting my hand up and I'm 50 plus years old If we, the earlier we get that, the better. You know, because we carry so much, and why are we surrounded by people and where they and you look around and you're carrying everyone's water and their hands are free, that that says something. And if there are people, if you, if you surrounded by people, and I can't trust anyone to say, you know, to have my back when I need them, like you know, and we'll trust people. A small thing well, I trust this person to listen when I pick up the phone, or I trust this person, I mean, when you're in the thick of it, and I think it's important that we start giving that language so we can start evaluating and eliminating. And that's hard, it's so hard.
Speaker 2:I think it's easier for younger.
Speaker 2:I see the younger generation being much more supportive of each other, even with things like you see, on sporting events or things of that nature a much stronger sense of community and collaboration, whereas older folks you know I'm 60-ish and I was taught by my parents you just suck it up, you figure it out, you work on it yourself. Admitting you need help is a sign of weakness and, unfortunately, our generation. You look at at it and there's some interesting numbers here. It said that, um, let's see if I can find this. Over half of adults with a mental illness do not receive treatment. But it also said I'm trying to find the number here the percentage of people, oh uh, 20.78 of adults experience mental illness. That's over 50.
Speaker 2:50 million Americans have mental illness. Now, to what degree? To what extent? But they're living with that and you know there's a large number of people that don't seek help, over half that don't receive treatment, and that's over 28 million people. So there's a lot of people out there that are trying to hoe it alone and they just don't recognize that, whether it's speaking to a friend or finding strength in a community, in faith in professional help, you can't go through that alone, and I do. I am encouraged to see that young folks are much more sensitive to their feelings.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I want to go through this quickly, quickly, and I am going to post this. So if you guys are listening, and once we put this out, if you go on YouTube, you'll be able to see this and I may be able to put this out on the audio too, when you, I don't know, I'll try, but it says this came from a mind journal and it says things to avoid to protect your peace. Not that I agree with all these, but I'm just going to read it. It said attempting to persuade others to change, helping those who do not want to be helped. Trying to please everyone in your life. Trying to show others that you are significant.
Speaker 1:I like that one. Pretending to enjoy things that other people enjoy, that that's huge. That is huge. Just going to going alone again, get alone and you know, yes, absolutely. Working for a job that you hate. Overworking yourself to look good. We're gonna talk about that one for a second. Trying to tell others that you are deserving, that's interesting. Settling for something less than what you hope for, making plans when all you want to do is sleep I like that one.
Speaker 1:It was like when it's funny when I that over overworking yourself to look good. I think that's more, and I can't speak for men, but women. We do that to the team and I and I, I'm telling you, you, we were out for our anniversary, tmi, I'm just gonna tell it. We're out for our anniversary and I and my hair was super cute, but I was super painful because I had on spanks. And I went in the bathroom and came out a new person I was twirling because my spanks was in my pocket and I was like I couldn't take them anymore, like I am tired, I'm too old, I'm not putting on four inches and I never took my Spanx off. So I think good job.
Speaker 1:Toby but I'm too old, I'm tired of overwork. It's a lot. You know just to look good people, the hair, the makeup, the this and all of a sudden you know also to and in higher level, women. We do this in business all the time we have to wear a face because if we show our real face, that you're really saying some crap, that I don't agree with. You get questions like why that look you don't agree, it's everything. So we work so hard to look good in every sense of the word, and just said you know what this is. It Take it.
Speaker 2:Well, let me ask you one, and I know this is a loaded question. Oh Lord no.
Speaker 1:Let me put it down, so my hands are free.
Speaker 2:I know it's one that impacts you. Oh God, how do you control the things you can control and not sweat the things you can't control? Control and not sweat the things you can't control, because I see, even in you you lose your peace when things clearly outside of your control happen, whether it's political or social or things like that. And I see that with a lot of people, and they're well-intended people, they're wonderful people, but it eats at them. It's like a corrosive that eats at them. And you talk to somebody and say why are you upset? Oh, because this happened in Ethiopia or this happened in Ukraine or people are dying in, you know, gaza, and I get it, and it really corrodes the people, but there's nothing you can do about it. How do you fight that? Talk about a loaded question. Okay, thanks for joining us just full transparency.
Speaker 1:I'm going to call my own stuff out now that I set you up no, no, because I really try, I do, I really try not to let the outside in. I'm human like everybody else. I really try. But I told Toby there's certain things and you just said you don't like the word trigger, but trigger is real, I mean it is, and it's trigger overused sometimes. That could be stated. That would be a yes, but You've never heard me use the word trigger one time.
Speaker 2:No. Yes the only time I use it to name a horse.
Speaker 1:So oh my god, nobody even knows who triggered it, you know how dating it, oh my god.
Speaker 1:back to the topic. It feel he had the nerve to act like what. And there to act like what, oh my God. So it only triggers me. How about that? That's so no, like literally.
Speaker 1:There are some things you just cannot. I remember almost say her name and I'm not gonna say any. I had a girlfriend and we were at work and this is when reproductive rights came and she lost her mind and she was upset. She had every right to be and I remember sitting there just trying to. I had to disconnect before I went into the office. That was my first place Let it go Go to work. And she was like no, why are we just working like our rights as women have been taken? Why are we just going on? And everything was valid that she said. So the first time I did what a lot of people do I pushed it down and I moved on. Sometimes you just can't. It hits and it hits so hard. And so when I watched these states and knowing my own personal journey and knowing what happened to me after losing a child and everything being so evasive it, I I couldn't shake that. So I'm not saying that you should.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying how? How do you cope with things that are so outside of your control when you're sensitive, when, as humans, we're sensitive?
Speaker 1:and for me, how I did. It is like okay, I, I have to call, feel your, please fill it, don't push it down. The worst thing we can do is act like I had to sit in it and I, but I, I have, I have learned from. But, in all fairness, this is just me, so don't anyone act like I'm giving you any guidance and it's here. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but for me, I have to process it and say but for me, I have to process it and say OK, tricia, how do we get this out of you?
Speaker 1:Because we carry stress, we carry that, and so then I have to focus, I have to release it from our body, and that's a conscious thing. And in order for me to release it, I have to start doing my. I am whole. I am well because I will get sick and that's because you know a conversation for another day. I am well because I will get sick and that's because you know a conversation for another day. So I have to do the steps to release it out of my body, putting myself Viola Davis, the actress, call it. We need to learn how to have a radical love affair with ourselves, you know, and that's it and that's when I start my love affair. I do. I have to turn to my internal ones and get back to me, because you can lose it and it's hard, unless you live under a rock and don't turn on the television and don't see all of these children protesting on all of these campuses, all of these young adults protesting on these campuses. Reproductive rights, trump trial all just pile on and on and on.
Speaker 2:Then take your own life and your own issues and your own journey, recognize so much of that is created to cause you that lack of peace, because you continue to connect and be involved, because you're being played. We're all being played and, to a great extent, the world has always had these things going on. There's always been diversity, there's always been conflict. But why we have? Why is it now that we have the best standard of living that the world has ever seen and people are more conflicted now and have less peace, if you will, and have more mental health issues, one could argue, than they ever have?
Speaker 2:And the reality is because we have instantaneous access to death and destruction and unhappiness and misery, and we could hide from it before, and so we need to, as human beings evolve to a point where we recognize and I forget the expression Lord, help me to understand, to control the things I can control. What's that? And a wisdom to know the difference, yeah. And so I need to be able to say it bothers me the serenity prayer, but it can't affect my inner peace, because people who are now, you know, miserable and you see this on, you know, college campuses, where they'll interview students and they're like my life is ruined and you say why People are dying in Israel. You know, I understand it's a horrible thing, but your life is over. I mean there's got to be a balance there.
Speaker 1:I think, in all fairness too, I think you're leaving a lot out of that, and I know because but there's multiple versions of what's being shown Because. So you have all of this, you know injustice, all of this, fighting, all of this, you know just tension in the air, constantly, constantly. Then you have reality TV and then you have all of this wealth and just hear me out for your hard eye roll. But it's to just oppose positions. That's extreme. We have extremism on both sides. So people are getting inundated with all of this and it's like, well, my life, thank god, isn't. I don't live in a war-torn country. I have friends or family where I know people and I'm praying for them, but I, I cannot get my. I'm working hard, I, I'm working hard, I can't get my head above water. These bills, these bills, these bills, and then these people look to have it so easy. All they do is wear the finest clothes and all of these things.
Speaker 2:And you're hit over the head with it all the time.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that thing, and that's why that's why I love Viola Davis. You have to have a radical love affair with you because all of this you, you have to find you, you know, and focus on you and internal, on what you can do and what I can have and what makes me whole and what brings me peace. And once I find that peace because my concern is I said to Tasia that people are standing protecting a peace and they're not at peace, and I know so many people that we call it the comfort zone. You know, I just stay because I know the company. The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know.
Speaker 1:I started looking up things, researching. I looked up the song Cheaper to Keeper. For most of you guys who have never heard of this song, it's old as heck and I wrote it down and I feel like pulling my book out. It's a horrible song. I used to and we used to sing it because it'd be cheaper to keep, but done on and uh and it's a, but we look at the words, it's horrible and.
Speaker 1:I knew he was saying it's cheaper to keep your, your wife then to get a divorce. Sadly true, but this is how I don't bring, I'm only rapping to that. It's because that's how we live our lives. You know, it's like I know this job, they know me, they get on my nerve, it makes me sick, but I get up, I know what my job is every day, and then I want to go into something new. And I said and the same thing with relationships and everything else. And we and everything else, and we call it comfort, when that's the one place that's a disease, it's a dis-ease, it's the one place you don't want to go to, it's the one thing you don't want to do. But we stay. So when I say, when we protect our peace, make sure that we're not protecting something and locking something in that we really want to let out.
Speaker 2:And we really need to start with and it's hard. I mean, I think that therapy, or talking to a professional, or talking to if you're a faith-based person, talking to a priest or somebody to understand your self-worth it starts with yourself and it ends with yourself, and at some point you know you can call it self-responsibility, responsibility for your actions, whatever you want to call it, but the idea is, nobody else is going to make you feel better about yourself other than you, and if you can't do that, there's already a challenge there and you're going to need to work on that. We should always be working on ourselves, but at the end of the day, our inner peace is really self-driven and there shouldn't be anything externally to your point that impacts your ability to be happy. There are things that will try to influence it all the time and there are horrible things that happen in this world, but there are amazing things that happen in this world too, and there's terrible things that happen to good people, and we know that.
Speaker 2:But at the end of it all, we need to feel like we are grounded in a level of comfort that we can achieve and I think you said this before we need to have kind of that happy place? Where do we go to recharge our batteries? Where do we go for that sanctuary and who do we call? How do we gain that comfort so that we can get back on grounding? Because I think that too often we get ourselves into the situation where we start to spiral and you read these sad stories about people who who fall off. You know the social wagon and you know mental health is a major issue in this country. I'm sure at some point we'll talk about it on perch, but we don't spend enough time being proactive about people who fall out of the system, who fall out of the normal. You know if there is such a thing, the normal world that we live in and you know homelessness is so much of homelessness is made up of people who suffer from mental health issues and we should we should take care of our own at home.
Speaker 1:Yes, well, I thank you, and I had a quote I want to end on and I put my iPad away and it shut down, so then it wasn't meant to be said, but I know part of it was. I just wanted to say I read this quote and it said and I'm paraphrasing because I don't have it in front of me most valuable real estate. You know, this body that we have, this soul, this spirit, is your most valuable, your most valuable asset. This is your most valuable piece of real estate. It's us, and so you know, be careful who we let in. You know, um, and some people.
Speaker 1:We need to let Maureen open up and learn how to ask for help, ask for a support system. We need to do some checks and balances, make sure I'm surrounded by people, but, you know, am I the only one that's carrying everyone's water or do I have any help? And and all of that, we're worthy. We're worthy of you know, a support system, a team, um, and ask for help. And I'm getting there. I'm not there yet. I've gotten a lot better. I raised my hand and my sister's on me now because, for the first time, I'm like do I really have to say I need help. I'm not superwoman and they was like well, you never said it before, so that's fair. So let's start now Build structures and system that support us, so we don't have to carry this along until we meet again. Thank you and have a nice day, take care.
